*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
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I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
felt that
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays