Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
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“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Bruh PLEASE
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
love it when they get my name right
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.