me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
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I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇