Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
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Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.