HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
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I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are