@joejwest: HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
Not much I can do
@Ohhialypie: Girls: I'd invite you in but my place is a mess
Guys: I don't mind
Girls: Like a huge mess
Girls: Like dead bodies on fire
@annaetuck: Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That's the cheapest birth control you will ever have.
@sucittaM: Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
@rhysjamesy: So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
@SeanBlazed: How many pictures of the sky until we are satisfied as a people