@joejwest: HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
Not much I can do
@AverageCorners: "Grab a Pop Tart!" I tell my kids as I'm mixing up the dogs' breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.
@TheBoydP: I'm guessing whoever said "There's no point beating a dead horse" has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
@ConorTripler: this website is absolutely destroying me
@MsBross: Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children. Adults tend to get offended.
@funnyordie: Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.