“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
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The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
2022 be like
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
#NoRestForTheWicked
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified