Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
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person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
me opening up to someone
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound