"Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you've been wearing the same outfit all week is you" – my fashion blog

@knittingninja00: it's not abuse if the substance likes it.

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@Marmel: Martin Shkreli in jail: "Can I have an aspirin?" Jail: "Yes. That will be $197,000."

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@onion_an: [coming home from cinema] Don't let that ninja film go to your head again. *roundhouse kicks the light switch on* "I won't"

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@Parkerlawyer: I pan fried chicken tonight. On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

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@HeyZeus666: I just realized that no matter what it says on my tombstone I'm going to have to read it upside down.

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