“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
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Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly