@Juan_Incognito: I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.

@notacroc: [alternate universe where jesus christ's name was jeffy spaghetti] ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti

@LizHackett: Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

@Shock_Monster: Her: What's a girl gotta do to get a drink? Me: You just give the bartender your order. Her: ... Me: It's really pretty easy. Her: *leaves*

@Dr_powpow: I have nothing in common with people that learn from their mistakes