“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
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My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that