Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?