Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills