Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
This anagram machine is out of order.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.