@DanDoofus: Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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@thenatewolf: There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don't know if it's a murder or a rare Pokemon.
@EndhooS: Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house? Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
@daplusk: Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.nnI nearly choked on my decaf double choc mocha latte.
@Scorpio1080: The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won't be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever