@DanDoofus: Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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@chris_isloi: I'm going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
@LindaInDisguise: Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates! 5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then? I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
@DevilryFun: You don't need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose. Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*