Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.