Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
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I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.