Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
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If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
men are simple creatures
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Me too