Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
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He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.