Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
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50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
plums roundup
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.