Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
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The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Customer is always right
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂