We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
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I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
The devil.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
#Caturday