Happy birthday to all the women
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I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Finished stitching this today 😇
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.