@funnyordie: Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
@PaperWash: "I hope they bought enough beer so they won't notice how much I'm drinking" -My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
@mrtruthandsoul: Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke! Luke: I'll never join you! Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays! Luke: NOOOOOO!!!