You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
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[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Body by sandwich.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
this is how life feels
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so