@funnyordie: Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.
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@dyldonot: [consoling grieving widow] so I guess you'll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
@AthenaMystique: I'd only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine. WHADYA MEAN THEY DON'T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT'S THE POINT, THEN?
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed. Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed. 4: Me: *sprints to the toaster*