@funnyordie: Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.
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@JackieluvsUK: Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they're already in tiny little bags!
@CornOnTheGoblin: The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down...and that's when things got interesting.
@Danny_McH2O: She told me my analogies didn't make any sense. It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
@ArfMeasures: "Remember u don't choose your spirit animal. It choose u" ME: Ok great *all the animals immediately look away & avoid eye contact with me*