@funnyordie: Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.
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@MatCro: Me: "Aw, your baby is cute. How old?" Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?" Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can't possible afford.