@funnyordie: Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.
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@iwearaonesie: [dad accidentally steps on the dog] I'm sorry girl, I didn't see you. Are you ok? [dad accidentally steps on me] Why are you on the floor?!
@WalkingOutside: Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you're like, "What the hell have I done?"
@weismanjake: Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread
@see_more13: When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, "Sounds like group therapy where no one's getting better." Well played, Mom. Well played.