HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
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I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
philosophical skeletons be like
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king