HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
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7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on