Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
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[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
love it when they get my name right
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.