which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
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In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse