Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
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When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no