Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
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[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35