Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
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10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”