Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
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Meat Cute
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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I鈥檓 wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Barbie gone wild
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
鈥K, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I don鈥檛 need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can鈥檛 help you with your jokes
When you鈥檙e cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend鈥檚 picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
馃槵
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs