Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
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Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.