HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
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I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October