HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
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If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
The options really are this bad
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.