HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
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There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
sugar glider wrangler
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
That’s amazing.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.