Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
You Might Also Like
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.