Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
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Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
real
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I’m a bad influence on myself.
October already? What’s next? November????
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.