My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Don’t make me out nice you.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
They did not think through this water fountain
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth