Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
You Might Also Like
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.