Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
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Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Who did it better?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*