In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
You Might Also Like
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Terribly Tuesday.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
2022 will be better than 2021
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]