I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
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Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.