Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
You Might Also Like
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.