Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
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If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
waiting for halloween be like:
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool