(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
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Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”