I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
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The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.