“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
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we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Dudes named Chance never had one.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge