[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
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My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Noah
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?