Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
You Might Also Like
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.