*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
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Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Finally!
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
vegan witches, happy halloween!