Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
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With this onion ring, I thee fed
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
My beach vacation Google searches
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.