Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
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Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up