Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
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Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
no their not